The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home