My dad teaching me to drive
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Is this a threat?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy