“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.