I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Nothing to do, you say?