Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!