me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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The morning after pill, but for tweets
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*