Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me