shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer