Doing math together is known as fourplay.
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Where is your GOD now????
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
That’s not how days work.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
yes… yes…
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.