An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.