BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
You Might Also Like
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
called in thicc to work this morning
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
…u ok Nintendo?