Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”