I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
when nothing goes right… go left
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.