My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
british sex workers really pound for pound
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away