getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Coffee is ready.
listen closely