GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Sniffing the broccoli
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?