The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.