Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
🐕🍷
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh