According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby