I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
greetings!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”