i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up