We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭