I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for