Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit