Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
🤣🤣🤣
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
They’re the worst 😩
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich