I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Put this video in the Louvre
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me