My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener