[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead