[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.