One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
You Might Also Like
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Anyone really
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house