ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?