Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
How to properly lift a body
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.