the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what