I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
5 ways to appear taller
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Yoga Matt
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit