Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.