Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.