I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You Might Also Like
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.