Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb