Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”