If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Born to be mild.