My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.