Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[eulogy]
line?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.