Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
We’ve come full circle
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
the three branches of government
This hospital has everything
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.