My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”