The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”