Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
(by @ZachWeiner )
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
bought wrong eggs