BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.