I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!