I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you