According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
For the ones in the back.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista